Dear Diary: Love, Luna Soleil #1

Dear Diary,

How do you stop gaslighting yourself? How do you stop invalidating your emotions just because you were told people had it worse? Remember when I was at the top of my game? How I did that, I would never remember. 

Life is so easy to read. It's hard, that's it. Believe me, I twisted and turn a couple of times just to get back the mindset I had. But just like the seafoam, it was gone easy. So Diary, can you tell me...how do I stop telling myself that this is nothing compared to other people's problems?

Tell me how to give myself the validation I deserve. Why can't it be as easy as validating your Facebook account? You just need to wait for a code, then boom... you're validated. But after all the night-time high, the river of tears, and the constant reassurance that I'm fine, why do I still feel like everything I feel are just on the shore -- shallow. 

No matter how much motivational quotes I save on my phone, and share on my posts, I am still the same wrecked ship found at the bottom of the ocean. I stopped feeling. I started feeling numb towards other people. I started cutting ties. I started losing grip on my reality. Hell, I even started getting into mini accidents on the road because when I ride the bike, my mind is afloat. 

You see, I even forgot how to articulate my words better. They felt real when they were inside my head, hidden. But now that I am writing about it to you, it's as if it was just a painful dream. A dream that hurts a thousand more. 

I feel useless, too. I am too embarrassed to be useless, but too unmotivated to do something about it.

So where do I stand? Where do I find the light when I feel it already closing in on me? And hell, how do I get out of the quicksand without needing anybody's help? 

Sorry for being such a downer, Diary. I hope I get to write more stories about the beauty of the world on my next entry.

This is nothing. 

This will pass. 

I'm fine.

Love,

Luna Soleil 

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Thoughts