Asking Men on Men Are Trash

Last April 26, 2020, I conducted a mini-interview with some of my guy friends about the issue of Men Are Trash. 

Why men, you ask? Of course, women are already using the line to show their frustrations to the countless harassments and toxicity experienced at the hands of men daily. So I asked some of the men I know a few questions circling this topic.

Disclaimer: Answers are posted with consent from the interviewees.

April 24, 2020

#Men are Trash: What Men Think 

Hey! It’s been a while now and I’m back with one of the most controversial topics on social media: Men are Trash. Lately, I’ve been seeing more and more posts misusing the term which creates small ripples of misogyny without their (men) knowledge. So I came up with the idea to ask and collect answers from some of the men that I know, and what they think about the statement. I gave them a couple of questions to answer and I will share them here. 

But before we go there, I want to shed some light on what the statement really means after learning about it a year ago. When you hear it for the first time, regardless of your gender, and most especially when you’re empathic, the statement seems as if we’re saying that ALL men are trash, even if we’re raised by amazing fathers. So it seems you agree that men are trash, but not all, because it’s like saying my father is trash when in fact he isn’t. Confusing, right? But we know, that not all men. 

It’s hard to explain but here’s an amazing analogy of why the statement is valid and will probably go on for a long time:

Let me explain ‘Men Are Trash’ using snakes so even the dumb [expletive] can get it (also because we are snakes.)

We all know that snakes are dangerous, yet there are some snakes which are not deadly at all. However, you never hear people say ‘some snakes are dangerous, some are not’. They just say, ‘snakes are dangerous’ because it is hard for the average person to tell which snakes are dangerous and which snakes are not, so they urge people to be cautious of all snakes.

Even if a snake is presented to you and you are told that it is not deadly at all, you will still feel uneasy and take extra precaution when dealing with it because you know what snakes are capable of.

That’s how women feel because of men, yet you want to come here and complain just because they didn’t single you out as the good guy you THINK you are —  [Jesse Vhasy Rasoesoe]

The statement carries an unabated power on calling out men for their bad and substandard behaviors. If you’re a man, and you never sexually harassed a woman or anyone in particular, then you should not be offended. If you’re a man and you’re not an accomplice of any misogynistic actions, then you should not be offended. If you’re doing a good job setting standards on how men should act, I’m urging you to inspire more men to do the same.

From an article titled “Why Men Should Stop Saying Not All Men”, author Kirsty Stricklands said: 

"If you are a man and don’t recognise yourself in the behaviour described by women recently, then great. Our discussion of it shouldn’t offend you, or put you on edge. The men who are behaving like allies in this are the ones that are amplifying women’s voices, examining their own behaviour, and not drowning out our conversations in search of praise or validation."

Again, the statement is not about gender stereotypes per se, it’s about what our patriarchal society did to men to impose toxic masculinity for a very long time already. Every day, women around the globe are experiencing harassment and inequality because of being seen as inferior to the opposite sex. They feel as if they can do anything to women just because we were branded gentle, submissive, and weak. 

Here’s a sample dialogue:

W: I’ve been groped in the subway. Men are fucking tra—

M: Woah woah, not all men. 

W: But it’s not even about y—

M: Yes, but not all men will grope you. Don’t blame every man. 

So let women say men are trash to voice out their frustrations and anger without abruptly stopping them with #NotAllMen. Because we already know that not all men. But enough men. Doing so only dismisses the experiences of women in the hands of men. 

I’m not asking everyone to agree with me because everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I’m asking everyone to respect women and everyone, and what they fight for simply because they deserve to be respected. 

You can’t tell me or any woman, “You seek respect when you don’t even respect us.” Again,  you should not be offended by the statement if you never did anything to derail women or anyone in particular because this is not about you. This is about women voicing out their frustrations and opinions because there’s too much damage being done to us on a daily basis by patriarchy.

A sample I can give you is from an article I read, where Facebook sees “Men are Trash” as hate speech but disregards when men say “Women are Cunt”, “Women are Scum”. 

Article: Facebook thinks saying ‘all men are trash’ is hate speech — it’s not

So there ‘ya go! If you happen to come to this part of the article, congratulations! You can now read the Q&A with four men who participated in this write-up! They also have their valid points and kudos for answering the questions in the utmost professional way!

Respondent #1: Marvin Klint Del Valle

How do you feel about the statement “Men are Trash?” Do you, at any level, feel offended by the statement?

Well, the phrase “men are trash”  has been used for a lot of issues which includes sexism. As a man, I hate to be labelled as such. But with respect to what a man or a guy does, it’s better to call them out to stop being trashy / shitty.

What is toxic masculinity for you?

Toxic masculinity for me means disregarding other people’s sentiments. For example, in a very patriarchal society such us ours, men has the power and control over everything. What makes it worse is that, these (power and control) gets abused. To the point where women and children gets domestically attacked. Such as sexual harassment, human trafficking and traumatic violence which affects the mental health of the oppressed. 

What’s your message for your fellow men?

I am also a man, regardless of my sexual orientation. A true man, is defined by his manners. Taking into consideration that, in today’s generation, regardless of your gender and sexuality, everyone has a right to be protected from violence and abuse, and we should take responsibility for that. 

 

Note that, as a man, the world does not only revolve around us, we should lower down our pride and ego to provide a safer environment for everyone.

 

What’s your message for the countless women being harassed on a daily basis?

To all the women out there, being abused and mistreated violently, stand up for your rights. You are also a human,  co-existing with man. Don’t let men define who you are. You can be more.

Respondent #2: Requested to be Anonymous

How do you feel about the statement “Men are Trash?” Do you, at any level, feel offended by the statement?

The statement is, for me, both hasty and dismissive. I say this with utmost reservation and understanding, knowing that these words may come from a place of bitterness, disappointment, and hate due to the experiences that most (if not all) of women face in their everyday experiences. I can only imagine the pain and emotional stress felt by the speaker to birth such a statement. But to quickly agree to such a statement based on these experiences, disregarding the progress and re-educating of so many young men coming of age in our generation who have listened and have recognized such problematic behaviors only promotes a blind and ignorant view of the world that only serves to maim and belittle such important strides. 

I do not feel offended by this statement, primarily because I believe that being cognizant of one’s power of self-determination as well as being properly educated about such problematic behaviors would give us the tools to identify and correct those of us (men) that continue to eschew such horrid practices and beliefs. People can be taught to be better if we teach them how to be better.

What is toxic masculinity for you?

Toxic masculinity, for me, is the failure of understanding boundaries and the lack of empathy. It is self-serving, ego-stroking, hot-headed and brash. It is the cruelty disguised as the standard in male circles. It is miseducated, vapid and shallow, but not incurable. It is the failure of men everywhere who cannot speak up and correct each other.

What’s your message for your fellow men?

We should know what is cruel and what is kind. We should recognize and understand what is acceptable from what is not.  Do not be afraid to call someone out on it but be mindful that people are afforded opportunities to change. 

What’s your message for the countless women being harassed on a daily basis?

I cannot change your opinion because you are entitled to it. It is shaped by the harmful and abusive behavior you’ve faced and for that, I am sorry that this happens to you. But we are doing our part to correct each other and you are not alone in your struggles. You can seek help from other men in reporting or calling out such toxic behavior.

Respondent #3: Requested to be Anonymous

How do you feel about the statement “Men are Trash?” Do you, at any level, feel offended by the statement?

No, I am not offended because people are entitled to their opinion. However, in my opinion, I think it is unfair for us men to get generalized as trash. Now, coming from an understanding perspective and knowing where they are coming from, this statement makes me wonder why are they saying this? Is it maybe because they had been in a toxic relationship where they were treated with any certain kinds of abuse— may it be physical, emotional, psychological, or any mental kinds of abuse? Maybe in their house they also got abused by any male relatives— may it be his father, brother, or any extended relatives— making them not feel safe even in the hands of their family? They are likely exposed to men treating them bad making them have a perception that men are trash. This is maybe one way for them to express their emotions of anger for the unjust treatment to them. Experiencing something traumatic can lead to maybe seeing men in general as a trigger for their past traumatic event.

What is toxic masculinity for you?

Toxic masculinity is men who can’t submit to the judgment of society because their egos are getting hit and pride is emerging, even if the situation has in need of practicality. We live in a patriarchal society for too long, and in today’s society where women are getting empowered is different. Today’s society is different than before, and women now are more vocal about their rights. But since the culture of the past still holds on until today, it may still take some time for society to see this as normal.

What’s your message for your fellow men?

My message to my fellow men is to respect women, well, not only them but other people too because they are also human beings. Let’s make chivalry, kindness, respect, loyalty, and other good qualities the new trend. Always choose kindness and stand up for those who are getting unjust treatment. Respect, protect and love them. Remember that women carried us in their wombs for many months. They also deserve the care and love that they gave us. Also don’t hit a women ever, unless she is going to kill you, then that’s a different story. But as much as possible, don’t hit women and if temper arise, just go out and have a walk to cool down or just avoid so that violence doesn’t emerge and escalate. Respect women, it’s attractive and would make you look cool.

What’s your message for the countless women being harassed on a daily basis?

My message for them is to stand up for what is right and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Yes, we live in a judgmental and cruel world but be strong, hold on and keep fighting. It’ll get better, and those experiences are just trials for you to overcome and be a better person than before. Tragic things happen in life but it doesn’t mean it is the end of your journey. Life has its own ups and downs and bumps, but it is still going. The only thing we can take from the past are learnings and inspiration for others that we’ve overcome it.

Also, there will be haters, you can’t please everybody. Just please yourself and those people that you love, loves you, and those who matter. Sometimes not entertaining them is the best response for they are not worthy of your time. Like I’ve heard before, know your battles that is worth battling for. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you are not alone. The reality is not all people are nice, there are also bad people and yes they exist in this world. We can’t control everybody to be nice. What we can control is our reaction against those kinds of people.

 

When someone abuses you, remember that it is not your fault, it is not. Don’t blame yourself. 

I know people will blame the victim. That comes from judgmental people who don’t know the perspective of being in that position. Forgive yourself. We are just human. I know it is hard and not easy. Take your time. You are not alone. You’ll get through this. 

Respondent #4: Merk Hamet Bordado

How do you feel about the statement “Men are Trash?” Do you, at any level, feel offended by the statement?

The statement seems to be repulsive for men because they feel like it is generalizing men. But the nature of the statement says otherwise. By being all defensive about the problem is the problem itself. It’s like taking away the essence of the statement by not looking at it in a deeper way. It is the fact that we are not born on equal footing and people who don’t recognize that is the reason why we live in a problematic society. Personally, the statement doesn’t offend me. Not just because I know I am not that problematic, but I for one am an ally to the women who are fighting against domestic abuse and toxic masculinity. Because patriarchy is real and turning a blind eye when you are already aware is being a part of a problem itself. Having a statement that says not all men are like that simply discredits the fact the there are indeed toxic men. 

What is toxic masculinity for you?

For me, toxic masculinity is one that imposes masculinity to everything. And it doesn’t just apply to other gender than males. Males, too, suffer from toxic masculinity. For males that have feminine features or personalities are being shunned out by toxic masculinity. Personally, I’m not the typical male that is aggressive and imposing. I have a gentle heart and a loving soul, but toxic masculinity says that it is just for “pussies” or “sissies” to have that trait. As if being kind and gentle can’t be associated with being strong, too. 

As a summary, men are trash is a statement that recognizes a flawed system that is far too overlooked and that is needed to be addressed for the betterment of not just women, but everyone.

What’s your message for your fellow men?

My message is simple— look deeply on the statement and do not be aggressive towards its superficial words. For being aggressive and defensive at the same time against the statement is part of the problem itself. Men are trash embodies the problems our society have right now. And perhaps the main solution for everything is love. Just think of how a person you love would be mishandled, how would it make you feel? The answer lies within our heart and how we love other people.

What’s your message for the countless women being harassed on a daily basis?

My message for all the women who are suffering right now is to keep going and growing. Having the unfortunate encounter of trashy men doesn’t get rid of the fact that you can also find men of golden heart. A few bad apples don’t mean that there aren’t good ones. BUT, one bad apple that isn’t recognized as being bad can make other apples bad. So continue recognizing those bad apples for it not to spread to the good ones. For now we continue fighting and loving! 

That’s the end of the Q&A portion. I hope you’re enlightened in some way, and I hope this encourages you to learn more about it and feel free to voice out your opinion and educate me if you think I miss out on explaining some things. I’m not an expert in this, but this is my way of helping out others understand the statement and hear out the opinions of men. 

I believe men are trash, but I also firmly believe that they are capable of change. And as much as possible, I want the latter to happen. I have this policy to educate before you hate — which I translate into “I’m open for an enlightening discussion unless you’re a lost cause.”

“I personally believe in keeping the term “men are trash” when showing solidarity but will opt for “men can and should do better” if I see an opportunity for discussion.” 

Thank you!

P.S. I am not, in any way, invalidating the same experiences of men that others deem feminine. That’s a completely different topic. We all know that there are men silently battling sexual harassment. And we are with you, you are not alone in this. 🙏

Love, 

Sam

Hi, everyone! If you have topics you want me to discuss with other people, let me know!! :)