maybe I asked for too much — no you didn't

With Taylor Swift dropping her re-recorded Album "Red (Taylor's Version) last November 12, everyone was simultaneously having an emotional breakdown. Top that with the "All Too Well: The Short Film" premiering the next day, Taylor just broke the internet while leaving us in tears. (ノ^_^)ノ┻━┻ 

While the short film summoned all the heartbreaks in each and every one of us, piling up to the already painful heartbreak Taylor had gone through years ago, here are some things I learned from her film, her story, her song. 

Honor your heartbreaks because they are valid

I've known this for quite some time, of course. But as I watched Sadie and Dylan in that kitchen scene, fighting, I realized that it doesn't matter whether you are too young, or old enough to be in a relationship. If you're hurt, then you're hurt. 

As I transition to an adult, I had this thing of minimizing my heartbreak experiences in high school. Only because people would say that high school love is so long ago, that it was just puppy love, and it's not supposed to be taken seriously. And so I learned how to live with the truth that maybe it never really mattered.

But a couple of years ago, just like Taylor Swift, I wrote about them. I can't let go of the fact that at some point, these people who hurt me were happy. I would always tell myself that it's been years! I've already had other relationships. I mean, we're past college, but why am I still hung up on something that happened in high school?

And so I thought, closure. I never had any closure from these people and points in my life. So I wrote about them. 

I honored my heartbreak like how I'm supposed to, and to be honest, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER.

To write about a boy I liked for 3 years, only to use me for 3 days as a rebound, to write about the boy who would touch me in subtle ways, and to just write about the people who hurt me, is one of the good things I did in my life. Because it didn't just help me find closure for myself, but it gradually helped me heal from the wounds of the past.

So don't ever let anyone tell you that you're too young to feel pain, don't let anyone minimize your experiences. Because these are yours, and they will always be yours. You choose how to deal with your feelings, not anyone else.

You are never too much for the right person

Maybe we got lost in translation,

maybe I asked for too much

This particular line made me tear up while I was actually washing the dishes, so I was laughing and also crying 😂

I've had my own Jake Gyllenhaal in life — someone who would make me doubt myself thinking that maybe I'm just a sensitive person, someone who  I have to beg for time and attention, someone who gets angry and frustrated at me for the shallowest reasons. But just like Jake, he was someone who showed me another kind of love, but not the kind of love I'm craving for, and not the kind of love I need. 

It's as if nothing I do would ever satisfy this person. It's either I didn't do it well, or I did it too much. The first time I tried to hold his hand in public, he dropped it, saying he doesn't really like those things. We would hang out with our friends, but he'd sit somewhere else, play games on his phone, talk to his friends, and would acknowledge my presence for a few seconds before going back to his thing. He once let me sleep on his friend's couch even when I signaled many times that I wanted to go home, only to have the same "last game" reply. He would transparently show me how disappointed and frustrated he is with me. He'd treat me shitty in public, and love me in secret.

And you know what's cruel? When I tell some people why I ended the relationship, they would tell me that maybe I was just sensitive. Or when they ask me what I liked about my partner now, and I reply with "he never calls me stupid", they would tell me how low my standards are.

But they never knew what I had to go through, why having someone who never calls me stupid became a big deal for me. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL FOR THEM? IS IT JUST ME? DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE BEING CALLED STUPID?

I put up with it for years, and I really don't know why. That's love, I guess. Or just plain stupidity. But the gist is, it took me long enough to break away from the relationship. Then I started to believe that I deserve better. 

That I will never be too much for the right person. I'm lucky I found my Begin Again, and he's a hardcore Swiftie by the way!

* * *

So remember this: If you are ever in a relationship where you cry more than you laugh, and you hurt more than you smile, it's time to let go of that one. It's already screaming it's not worth it. You're only holding on because you don't want to waste the years you emotionally invested in that person which means you're clinging onto memories, but not the person itself. 

There's a vast difference between fighting in a relationship, and fighting alone in a relationship. I hope you find where you stand, and find the courage to leave when you're not happy anymore.

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise

So casually cruel in the name of being honest

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

'Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

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If you just want to have a mini-breakdown, heartbroken or not, here are the links to the full Red (Taylor's Version) album and All Too Well: The Film.